Another Summer Day...

That's how I wish to address this day... as just another summer day!  Who wants to think about the stress of what awaits?


“Nehemiah said, ‘Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.’”
Nehemiah 8:10 (NIV)


Today I will lift up my eyes to the Lord and to the sky and to the Universe of Love.  I will be helpful in this place (I've already quartered cucumber and looking forward to cutting strawberries) and feed the masses that will arrive to this home.  Ok, so maybe not the masses, but at the very least the family of my soror, my family in spirit, and I will take joy in these moments. 

On the Road Again

It seems that each time I leave NY, there is something else to ponder, a seemingly major decision to dissect, words to be memorialized.  My feelings, those damned emotions, seem to rear its ugly head moments before getting on the bus and leave me, sitting still and staring through puffy slits at nothing, but seeing everything.  I've made grave errors in the category of love and its seems that I just repeat the cycle of insecurity, confusion and pain.  My heart hurt this afternoon.  Like really, really was encased in a foam cushion of pain and its warm rays reach up to my throat choking me, clogging me, making me want  to run as fast and as far as I could.  Stupidity and gullibility are severe faults and I have worked hard to eradicate those from my self, but sometimes... oh, sometimes certain someones take it out of me.  Or better thought that those traits become readily available when I'm dealing with certain folks.... time has come to maybe remove certain folks from my life because to continuously bleed all over myself in yearning is nothing less than pathetic.  No, really, don't shake your head!  Its the truth, I feel absolutely pathetic in my pursuit of a worthless dream, an unfounded hope.  What is wrong with me?  Granted I do possess submissive traits, by to willingly place myself in emotional pain's path and allow  myself to fall in love again and again and again with the same person that has told you at least 3 times they will never be with you is, most decidedly, sad and pathetic...

When things come full circle...

It's amazing when life takes a turn that is not a turn, when it sheds tears, but my face isn't wet and when my heart hurts, but because it has overflowed in such a short time.  My head is spinning with the myriad of emotions, sensations and realizations.  So much time has gone by but it really has only stood still for me to claim it, recognize it and embrace it.  I think of each minute and try to create the puzzle, fill in the blanks... but through a window darkly did I see the truth deep within myself.  I wish I could say that it has set me free, but it has sent me on an existential centrifuge of which I can see no end, no solution only being and hopefully, ultimately, completion.  With what gifts will I continue?  With what desire will I conquer?  I am almost dragging myself towards my destiny, plodding along confusedly and swimming through life depths but the journey has brought me back home and the prodigal daughter looks through keyhole jangling the keys wondering which door to unlock and which self to place trust in....